Eating bananas in public

Bananas: The delicious yellow fruit that share 50% DNA with us human. A fruit that is high in potassium (K) that genuinely tastes really good. However, there’s a catch: Bananas are the most phallic looking fruits on this planet.

George Carlin once said, “Men, how can you look at a woman eating a banana and not think of a blowjob?” Well, unfortunately, he’s right. When women eat bananas, men think dirty thoughts as a reflex. It’s not that we’re perverted people, it’s our nature and we just can’t help it.

While it is said to be sexy when a women eat bananas in public, it is quite the opposite when it comes to men. They leave themselves open to lewd remarks from their friends and co-workers. Most men are very insecure about their sexuality, which women love to complain about. Eating a banana in public does not help this matter at all. As a result, many men are not consuming as many bananas as they should.

The following actions may be taken to allow men and women in general to eat bananas without feeling dirty or leaving themselves vulnerable to ridicule.

The Dont’s

  • Never close your eyes!
  • Never make eye contact!
  • Never put the entire banana into your mouth at any time!
  • Never ever put your hand behind your head while eating a banana!
  • Never eat a banana with less than two people in a room!

The Do’s

  • Whenever possible, cut up the banana and mix it with cereal or anything you can fine that is not a banana.
  • If on the run and must eat it by itself, hold the banana from the middle. Holding it from either end looks funny and suggestive. And please keep the peel on.
  • Peel the banana, and break off a small piece and put it in your mouth. Finish the banana a piece at a time.
  • Get a banana drink instead, a yogurt, a shake or a smoothie.

Hopefully these rules will prevent countless men and women from being the subject of inappropriate thoughts and gestures. This will also allow countless numbers to enjoy the healthy benefits of bananas and still keep their dignity.

Consent

It’s a powerful word that, for some bizarre reason, is still argued about to this day. It seems many people still don’t really get what “consent” means.

It’s actually a pretty simple concept: “Whoever you are initiating sexytimes with, just make sure they are actually genuinely up for it. That’s it. It’s not hard. Really.”

And it shouldn’t be. But for many, it still is. Mystifying, right? So here’s a video to brake it down in the best way possible: with a metaphor so simple, even those who have historically had trouble grasping the concept should be able to understand it.

Religion is like a penis. It’s fine to have one and it’s fine to be proud of it, but please don’t whip it out in public and start waving it around… and PLEASE don’t try to shove it down my child’s throat.

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

Unwritten Rules of Fidelity

  1. It’s OK to ANALyse
  2. If you don’t remember, it never happened
  3. Different Area Codes for the win
  4. It doesn’t count if they have the same name
  5. Group sex splits the charges
  6. Stay free of Parasites, including Babies
  7. As long it stays in the family, it’s all good
  8. “Aunt Flo” gives you a Hall Pass
  9. Innocent until proven guilty
  10. What happens in the dark, Stays in the dark

Essential Guy Code

  1. Player 1 belongs to whoever owns the console.
  2. If a bro dies while lifting, put more weight on the bar, then call 911.
  3. Shotgun is a responsibility, not a privilege. If you are sitting up front, you’re not a passenger, you’re the co-pilot.
  4. Don’t throw a frient under the bus to impress someone else. Ever!
  5. When offered a beer, accept it even if it’s not “Your Brand”. Your favorite brand of beer is “Free Beer”. Your second favorite is “Cold Beer”.
  6. If a friend with a truck assists you with moving, you shall reciprocate with a full tank of gas. Beer and pizza are also accepted.
  7. If your bro dies, delete his Internet history.
  8. Be polite around your buddy’s lady friend, but when he asks what you think, lay the truth on him like a ten ton slab.
  9. Unless it’s super busy, there must always be a one urinal buffer between men in a restroom.
  10. If you shake with a limp hand, you are acknowledging non-verbally to me that I’m in charge, even if we’ve just met.
  11. If you and a buddy are having a threesom with a girl, your can not look each other in the eyes. But if you happen to accidentally look each other in the eyes, you have to high five!
  12. The three-person concept of watching adult videos: One guy watching adult vidoes is cool. Three guys watching adult vidoes is cool. Two guys watching adult videos, not cool.
  13. All groceries go from the vehicle to the house in one trip. It does not matter how many bags there are.
  14. Under no circumstances may two man share an umbrella.
  15. There are specific rules to the “Head Nod” when greeting another male. If you know him you nod up, if you don’t know him you then nod down.