The 7 Stages of Every Hangover, Ever.

Whether it was wild night out with the boys, an uncomfortably boozy office Christmas party or just your couch, Netflix and a Four-Liter box of house wine, we have all experienced these 7 universally understood Hangover stages.

  1. DesertMouth
    Desert MouthYou set your alarm for 10:30 but for some reason find yourself awake at 6:00 AM gasping for air and fearing for your life. Your mouth feels like the Sahara desert and you worry that if you don’t get water immediately, you will die. You sprint to the bathroom (more like stumble as you are still absolutely hammered) and stick your head under the faucet of the sink. Faith in your survival is restored as you return to bed to try to continue to “sleep it off”.

    Pro Tip: Water bottle next to the bed, you’ll never be found dead.

  2. TheAwakening
    The Awakening
    You know how people say “I feel like a million bucks today!”, well at this stage you feel like about 14$. You can’t decide whether you want to puke or eat a full carton of eggs. Your head feels like a team of tap dancing midgets are rehearsing on your frontal lobe and you begin to find inexplicable bruises all over your body. This is about the time you begin to tell (lie to) yourself, that you are going to “take a break from drinking for a while”.

  3. Damage
    Damage Assessment
    You have made it to the point where you are pretty confident that you will not die today. That means it is time to start checking in on the damages of the night before. This stage includes checking in on your online banking, taking a look at your outgoing calls/texts and of course doing an inventory of your personal belongings.

    Pro Tip: If you aren’t sure where you left your dignity, refer to the charges on your Online Banking statement.

  4. JustBeatIt
    Just Beat It
    Enough is enough…you are done with this hangover and you are ready to be proactive about it. This is the time where you start using every trick in the book to try to reverse the effects of the previous night’s poisoning. Eat greasy food, go for a run, drink some coffee, take a nap …do these actions seems counter productive? Doesn’t matter when you are as desperate as you are right now!

  5. ANewHope
    A New Hope
    It looks like all of your tricks may have actually worked; you are starting to feel okay again! You are feeling pretty proud of yourself, just a few short hours ago you were contemplating hibernation and now you feel like you may actually be out of the woods.

  6. Relapse
    Relax T-Swizzle, it looks like you may have spoken too soon.
    There is nothing like an evening hangover relapse to make you question all of your life choices. This stage is a lot like Stage 2 but with the extra benefit of feeling old, ugly and pathetic, Yippee!

    Pro Tip: Look at all your friends on Facebook who have babies and count your blessings.

  7. Acceptance-300x295
    It seems like nothing will work…it is time just accept the facts and chalk up the day as a write off. You feel proud of yourself for accepting yourself as you are and decide to celebrate, how, binge drinking of course!